Love By The Swipe
Dating apps have become huge over the last few years, and they really have changed the culture. Many say it is easier to find matches and love through online dating, rather than having to meet someone in person, especially in the age of the MeToo movement. People who don’t have time and money to go out can save so much time and effort. However, some people lie and exaggerate on their online dating bios, so some feel it can be hard to trust online daters.
“[Dating apps] really broaden the spectrum for what’s possible for people,” dating and relationship expert Jenna Ponaman said. “You know that the dating world is no longer about what is just in your community…There literally are an infinite amount of possibilities, so that’s really great. It promotes interracial marriages and couples… and it’s really a place where people can feel a little more courageous about what kind of person they want to be, or how they can express themselves.”
But Ponaman also said these apps may allow people to think that they don’t have to settle down or look for serious relationships. “People think, ‘well, I can be so brave, and I can also be so frivolous’,” she said, “‘and I don’t have to commit to anything if I don’t want to’… [Scrolling through dating apps] is really no different than flipping through a magazine, shopping for a shirt.”
Online dating can also be a quick way to make sexual transactions only, rather than taking the time to develop intimacy and love. Tinder is a popular app for this specific reason, but those who want more may have to put in more effort.
“People are still not building their relationship skills,” Parc Foundation counselor and instructor Kasey Carter said. “People aren’t asking the right questions before they express their interests. [For example,] do you know what their values are from their dating profile? Probably not. Do you know how they treat a waiter or a waitress? Because that shows you a lot about their character…You do know they like hiking, they do yoga, they are trying to be a vegan, and that they love their dog. [That’s good information], but that doesn’t help you have a relationship that is healthy and fulfilling.”
Lying has been an issue for online dating since it started. “Cat-fishing” is a problem on online dating sites around the world, and experts advise users to be very careful. But many people exaggerate about their age, profession, hobbies, ethnicity, height and accomplishments. Even users who aren’t criminals may not present themselves truly, or show who they really are.
“I’m all about honesty and authenticity,” psychotherapist and author Kelli Miller said. “I will have some clients who will put up photos from ten years ago. [I tell them] that’s not going to work, because then you’re setting yourself up [for disappointment]. I’m all about just being honest and upfront. If you have kids, say you have kids. Don’t hide it.”
Dating experts said dependency on cell phones and online technology may prevent two people from have a true connection. Relationships are about meeting, not chatting online. Cell phones may cause people to go out less, and some people don’t know how to interact, or how to approach strangers, without seeming sexist or creepy. The younger generation, in this new cell phone era, may not have developed proper manners, which are key to starting successful relationships. But Miller said even a phone call is better than judging someone only from an online dating profile.
Ponaman said she encourages her clients to go on several dates with people they meet online, to try to get to know them. She said people should experiment, and learn to look for partners with the traits they want. They should not just go out on dates because they matched with someone online, and then feel like they have to become attached to them immediately.
Miller, Ponaman and Carter all stressed that people must love themselves first, before they can love another.
“As a coach, I would encourage men and women to date more,” Ponaman said, “and that can be whatever they interpret it to be. But the reason for this is when we isolate to one person, we do get attached a lot faster and lot more, [but only] on that superficial plane. Whereas, if you have other options, you feel a little more free to say ‘well, if there are a few things I don’t like about this person, then that is okay, because I can do more research, with these other people, because I still have other options’.”
Moderator: Mareo Ahmir Lawson
Producer: Leslie Estrada
Anchor: Emmanuelle Roumain
Social Media Editor: Rudy Aguado
Reporters: Rudy Aguado, Leslie Estrada, Mareo Ahmir Lawson, Matt Roth and Emmanuelle Roumain